If Birds were The Bachelor: The Birdchelor

Hi, I'm Chris Harris'shawk, welcome to the Birdchelor. On this season we'll be taking 14 lucky birds to beautiful Baja California Sur, where they will compete for the heart of our accomplished Birdchelor. Tonight we're going to be meeting and learning a little bit about our contestants, but first it's time for the bird of the hour


White-winged Dove
The Birdchelor
"Wow"
"I love that"
"You look beautiful"

Fantastic. Isn't he a catch? Well, the following birds certainly think so. Let's meet them now

Brown Pelicans
TWINS
[simultaneously] "We're double trouble, a 2-for-1 special, and a triple threat!"

 Killdeer
Medical Supply Salesbird
"I've got a bad feeling about this"

Osprey
Instagram Celebrity
"I never play games, so let the games begin"

Hooded Oriole
Silly-invention Pedler
"I'm here to find my birdsband. No, I've never thought of a more reliable way to do it than this, why do you ask?"

House Finch
Folks Wisdomologist
"Gosh, do you think someone might like me? And on television?"

European Starling
Accent-haver
"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful, hate me because of my many bad personality traits"

American Kestrel
Yoga Mat Sales Rep
"You can take the Kestrel out of America, but you can't take the America out of the Kestrel! Yee-Haw!"

California Scrub-Jay
Professional Gambler
"Hey White-winged Dove, I hope you'll... roll the dice on me" [blows on some dice, winks]

Snowy Egret
Fire Fighter
"I'm not here to make friends, but mostly because my cruelty makes it impossible for me to do so"

Pied-billed Grebe
Mom-fashion Expert, Momsultant, Momtrepeneur
"Cabo is the perfect place for me, a mom, to find love"

Costa's Hummingbird

Website something-or-other

"I sure hope no one asks me about my traumatic past"

Common Gallinule
Phony Wellness Product Endorser
"You don't have to be crazy to come on this show, but that's what's going on with me"

Northern Mockingbird
Oddly Accomplished
"Free trip to Mexico? Sure, why not! I hope the Birdchelor doesn't try and talk to me"

A terrific group of birds, I'm sure you'll agree. This season promises to be the most dramatic season of the Birdchelor ever. Stay tuned!

Birds Talk: Patriotism

Helloooooo blogfans! Trying out a new feature today where we ask birds-on-the-street to weigh in on various topics in current events. We're kicking off this feature today with the topic of patriotism, because today is Superb Owl Sunday (widely regarded to be the 2nd-4th most patriotic day of the year). We asked birds in Roseville, California "What are your feelings about patriotism on this, Supreb Owl Sunday?" It's a big topic to tackle, but we've come to the field with a goal, so let's get ready to rumble!

Downy Woodpecker: America is great! I think that the football men should not only stand for the national anthem, but maybe should get a ladder so they can stand even higher to respect our flag more.

Red-shouldered Hawk: Why can't someone express their patriotism by being critical of the bad parts of America? If you love this country, you should be willing to work hard to fix it, not just ignoring select parts of it. I hate that I'm putting so much effort into this answer, because I don't think the people arguing the counter position are being intellectually honest anyway.

 Northern Flicker: This question is bullshit [flies away]

American Goldfinch: Whenever I see a football player take a knee, I get so mad that I have to drop everything I'm doing to complain about it on social media. Why would anyone want to protest anything in America, in the greatest country on earth. Protesting should be illegal.

Wild Turkey: (visibly drunk) You know I was supposed to be the America bird before that stupid Eagle. Stole my title just like he steals fish. And now there's a whole holiday where I get eaten, and the Eagle has a football team. I'd like to see the foot on the other shoe, and see how he likes getting eaten.

European Starling: In Europe we call soccer football, and we call patriotism nationalism. We had a lot of wars over that, you know? The nationalism, not the football, although we may very well have a football war at some point.


??Mystery Bird??: 🏱︎♋︎⧫︎❒︎♓︎□︎⧫︎♓︎⬧︎❍︎ ♓︎⬧︎ 🙰◆︎⬧︎⧫︎ ♋︎ ♍︎□︎■︎⬧︎⧫︎❒︎◆︎♍︎⧫︎ ♎︎♏︎⬧︎♓︎♑︎■︎♏︎♎︎ ⧫︎□︎ ◻︎❒︎♏︎❖︎♏︎■︎⧫︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ ⬥︎□︎❒︎🙵♓︎■︎♑︎ ♍︎●︎♋︎⬧︎⬧︎ ♐︎❒︎□︎❍︎ ◆︎■︎♓︎⧫︎♓︎■︎♑︎ ♋︎♑︎♋︎♓︎■︎⬧︎⧫︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎♓︎❒︎ ■︎♋︎⧫︎◆︎❒︎♋︎●︎ ♏︎■︎♏︎❍︎♓︎♏︎⬧︎📪︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ ♍︎♋︎◻︎♓︎⧫︎♋︎●︎♓︎⬧︎⧫︎⬧︎ ♋︎■︎♎︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ ♌︎♋︎■︎🙵♏︎❒︎⬧︎📬︎

Et Tu Birdte? The Birds of March

Julius Caesar. Jesus Christ. Han Solo. All the subjects of famous betrayals. You know who else has been betrayed? These birds! Behold their tales of woe, dear reader, and take heed.

Northern Mockingbird's right hand man coveted his leadership position at Chemco, thinking he was the better bird for the job. He shoved Northern Mockingbird into a big open vat of chemicals at their evil chemical factory, which you think wouldn't work great because birds can fly. However, Northern Mockingbird was holding two doughnuts (one in each wing), and therefor was unable to get those wings moving in time. He was left for dead, but actually the chemicals gave him super powers, so he'll probably get revenge at some point.

Black Phoebe was not at fault for his downfall. He was pushed into a position of fame and prominence early in his life by his parents, who both had dreams of success that they hadn't achieved. After some early successful turns in commercials and TV shows, he got a major role in a movie that became a true genre classic. Black Phoebe missed a lot of school and normal social engagements to do this. He got exposed to some pretty messed up stuff early too, making it hard for him to transition into normal adulthood. His parents ended up embezzling all of the money he earned as an actor. He went through a rough patch, but seems to be getting some promising roles in indies now, and he's cleaned up his act.

California Scrub Jay was supposed to be a voice of his generation. His fiery speeches were compelling and convincing. He had a way of communicating that cut through typical political lines, speaking clearly both to the common man, and to the more idealistic types. Unfortunately, he kept getting caught sending inappropriate pictures, and in the mail, which made it even weirder. He survived a few scandals, but eventually retreated from the public eye. Years later, seeing what people are now willing to accept from their political leaders, he wonders why things turned out this way for him. In the end, he betrayed himself by believing that he could not fall in this way.

Anna's Hummingbird was talked into an adjustable rate mortgage when he didn't really have a stable enough income to cover it. Sure enough, times didn't stay green forever, and the house was repossessed, and financially he's never really recovered. The messed up part is that the shady realtor was his mother. Did she sabotage Anna's Hummingbird on purpose? Or was it a sub-conscious lashing-out as a result of their constant disagreements about the lifestyle choices he made? Either way, she knew about the risks and convinced him to go into it anyway. Anna's Hummingbird's credit score is still really bad. What a messed up thing to do.

Birds Are Going Back to School

Ah, late summer. It's that time of the year when it's super hot out, birds are least plentiful, and your Amateurnithologist struggles to get weekly posts out as he adjusts to returning to his full time job in the school system. Yes, school's back in session. But not just for you and me and maybe your kids. No, it's school time for birds as well. As birds return to school, they meet their new teachers for the semester and start to get a sense of what their next year is going to look like. Let's meet them too, since there's nothing better to do.

First Period: Professor Double-crested Cormorant
Subject: English Literature
Personality: Professorial in demeanor, a little stodgy. Think blazer with elbow patches. Believes in the power of learning and in the ability of books to change lives. Often disappointed in his students secretly, but doesn't show it. He's been doing this job for a long time and doesn't show signs of slowing down. Other teachers look up to him.
Teacher Rating: Inspiring

Second Period: Mr. American Crow (slightly leucristic)
Subject: Science
Personality: An eccentric who delights in finding creative ways to reach students. Lives for events like the rocket launch, the egg drop, or putting Mentos in Diet Coke. Very hands on. A little bit silly, gets along well with the kids since he's a bit of a kid-at-heart himself. Don't mention his leucism though, or god help you. He won't be mad, but he's a bit sensitive about it, and it'll hurt his feelings.
Teacher Rating: Fun

Third Period: Dr. Common Loon
Subject: Cooking
Personality: No one knows what her doctorate is in, why she is teaching cooking with a doctorate, or how a Loon acquired a doctorate in the first place. However, she is a good cooking teacher. Loves food, and the students tend to like her class, since it involves cooking and eating. Hints that she enjoys a full and interesting life outside of her job. Keeps these mysteries close to the vest.
Teacher Rating: Enigmatic

Fourth Period: Mrs. House Finch
Subject: History
Personality: Engages in a lot of rituals that shows her dominance over students, making them repeat things over and over or follow meaningless rules. Believes that the most important thing is that students submit to their teachers. Ruthless in her style with co-works as well, doesn't seem to be able to 'turn it off'. This style is successful for some young birds, but mostly leads to a lot of bad feelings.
Teacher Rating: Disliked



Fifth Period: Miss California Quail
Subject: Mathematics
Personality: Honestly not the greatest teacher, but very nice. Relationship-focused in her teaching philosophy. Gives her students a lot of affection and praise, doesn't put too much attention on the quality of the work. Students often come back years after graduating to visit Miss California Quail and give her a big hug. Maybe this is what's most important after all, since most of her students don't use the math very much (being birds).
Teacher Rating: Doting

Well that's all for today. Hopefully you learned a thing or two from these bird teachers, or at least got through your school experience relatively undamaged. Join me in a few days when I try to get back on the normal blog schedule with a common but fun bird that has evaded me for a long time. You won't want to miss it.

Checking in with Florida Birds

It's been a while since we've visited with our Florida bird friends, but as you might've guessed from last weeks parrots, we took a trip not long ago. While there are some exciting new birds to come, we also caught up with some old favorites. What're they up to now? How's Florida treating them?

Great Blue Heron has gotten really into the art scene. He lives in a studio/work space now, and is very into his new housemates. We're happy for him, but he's actually not very talented. Art has to be more than just provocative, you know Blue Heron? Even worse, he's been sort of ignoring his old interests and friends. It'll all come crashing down eventually.

Brown Pelican is up to some sketchy behavior. After a failed bird of the year bid, he went down to Florida and got involved in some ill-defined business. He lost some weight, probably from sweating so much in the South Beach heat and humidity. Takes a lot of trips down to Cuba. Drugs? Arms deals? Guantanamo? We wouldn't put it past him.


Northern Mockingbird, as the state bird of Florida (among others), is distressed. She worries a lot these days about the state of politics, climate change, growing civil unrest. Really, just the whole thing. She is often seen with a furrowed brow, staring off into the distance. Where have the simpler times gone, she wonders, when her duties as state bird were mostly ceremonial, and she felt like she was making people happy? Nobody told her it was going to end up like this.


Oh. My. God. Have you guys seen Sandhill Crane's new baby? It is, like, seriously the cutest baby you have ever seen. And so well behaved too. She takes it everywhere and it doesn't make a fuss. Sandhill Crane's really got this mom thing down. Maybe it's easier than we thought to have a baby. Maybe not, Sandhill Crane does look a little tired.

Baby Birds in New York City

It's summer and baby birds are on the rise! Well, more like adolescent birds at this point, for the most part. These pictures were all taken in the past week or so in NYC, where your Amatuernithologist took a short vacation. Birding there was.. not spectacular as far as numbers or new species, but I got some good pictures, and there were some pretty neat discoveries that I'm sure you'll all be excited to see whenever they roll onto the blog. What New York did have, however, was an abundance of young birds, which is good news, since our Research shows that blog readers respond most to Cute Baby Animals (followed shortly by Unusual Animal Friends [UAFs]).

American Robin
The High Line, Manhattan, NYC, NY, USA
July 2015


When I saw this guy squabbling with an adult American Robin, I was hoping that I had a cool new bird. A little research confirmed that I was probably just looking at a younger robin. How come it's never a Wood Thrush? This bird listens to rebellious music.



This is American Robin in her adult form (and baby form, if you look closely). Notice how she has become more mature with age, and has settled into adult responsibility. Takes care of herself with small wellness rituals every day.

European Starling
Battery Park, Manhattan, NYC, NY, USA
July 2015

Major sibling rivalry here, these two birds are developing in different directions in order to differentiate themselves and find their own place in the world. Until they are no longer competing, there will be a high amount of stress in the family.


Makes you say "Wow, what a cool bird". I'm so glad some lunatic imported Starlings from Europe. This bird has decided that he doesn't want kids, and is going to seek fulfillment in a different way, perhaps artistically. Likes kids, but would rather be a 'cool uncle'.

Gray Catbird
Brooklyn Bridge Park, Brooklyn, NYC, NY, USA
July 2015

This Gray Catbird is really a baby, and as such has not developed any descernable personality yet. Bares a vaguely concerned and confused look most of the time. Experiences a muted and muffled version of our own reality.

Gray Catbird is really making something of himself. Time is money, show me the numbers, let's reorganize to optimize our marketshare. Might be successful, but has lost track of the ability to see the world as a place of beauty. On auto-pilot, for now. Some things that we knew as a baby, we forget.

Bay Area Birds Calendar 2015

So, like all good birders based in the bay area, your amateurnithologist is a member of the Golden Gate Audubon society (best of the Audubon societies). Recently, they announced that they were looking for photo submissions for an annual calendar they put out- Birds of the San Francisco Bay
 Area. After thinking long and hard, I decided to enter. My logic went something like "I want to be in a calendar!" I reviewed my past few years of birdtography with an eye for things I thought might look ok in a calendar, and actually found quite a couple. The GGAS was only accepting three submissions per person (otherwise it'd just end up being an amateurnithologist calendar natch), but I found a lot more pictures I thought were worth considering. 12 actually, or exactly enough for a calendar. That's what I present to you today- a highly speculative look at what a calendar composed of my bird photos (limited to bay area birds) would look like. Many of these are never-before-seen on this blog, and I tried to choose ones that represented their month appropriately.

January

 

A Western Grebe at Lake Merritt. Many waterbirds winter at this lake, which has become something of a vacation hot-spot for birds. This Grebe is wondering whether all of the hard work and hours he has put into supporting this kind of lifestyle for his family has been worth it. Would they not have been happier, he wonders, if they were poor but closely connected?

February

 

These two Red-masked Parakeets are at Coit Tower in San Francisco. They are very in love and are happy they are legally allowed to marry now. Both Parakeets are from families that they have no contact with any longer, through death, tragedy, or irreconcilable differences. They do not care that no one will be at their wedding; they will create their own family.

March

It is the start of spring and here is a Western Bluebird at Point Pinole. He is responsible for spring starting, and he has to go around to each plant and tree and land on it a certain number of times to ensure it will bloom. He knows the right number and it produces a lot of stress for him if he touches something the wrong number. Is this some kind of compulsion or does it really work this way?

April

Spring Break!!!! This American Avocet has his best breeding colors on at the Berkeley Marina. Factually, this is not the time of year Avocets breed, but he's got to have his swag on. American Avocet has made a lot of new friends lately and really wants to impress them, so it's possible he'll get in over his head during this vacation. It's part of growing up.

May

Love is in the air for these Anna's Hummingbirds at Lake Merritt. Well, maybe. The lady hummingbird is on a reality dating show and she has to decide very quickly whether or not she would like a date with the male hummingbird. He is showboating for her, but it betrays little about him as a long term prospect. She is leaning towards 'no' even though he is very handsome.

June

The Great Blue Heron is glad it's summer. He has gone to the San Pablo Reservoir to go fishing. This is what he does to relax and clear his mind. Great Blue Heron had a hard year, but he doesn't want to talk about it. No, all he wants to do is fish and find some peace and quiet. He will think of his father while he drinks a beer. This is how he liked to relax too.

July

July is this Green Heron's favorite month because it is a very patriotic month. At the Berkeley Aquatic Park he will have no trouble seeing the fireworks. It's the only time of year where people are allowed to show any kind of pride in America any more, he opines. Where has his country gone, he wonders, as he sees a larger and larger number of people from other countries, people who look different from him, moving into his community. Is Green Heron a racist? He doesn't think so. But the answer is yes.

August

It is August and it is so hot out that California Quail can hardly breath, especially since she is wearing her best suit out to Pinnacles National Park. But this is what she has to do, since she is running for office. She is posing for a newspaper picture here and it is taking too long. She has already given up on some of the things she hoped she could change by getting into politics, out of pragmatism. Inside she doesn't even know if she really wants to win. This is what she is thinking as she is smiling and posing in the hot, hot sun.

September

These White Pelicans at Lake Merritt do not know each other very well, but they are family. Their great grandmother, who was something of a matriarch figure to their family, has died and some aunt has organized a huge family gathering in response. There is a big barbeque and someone even made shirts. "Do I have to wear this shirt?" asks a White Pelican. The other White Pelican commiserates and they begin to chat. They find they have more in common than they thought. They will stay in touch after they both go home.

October

 

Acorn Woodpecker is getting ready for the winter at his home in Pinnacles National Park. He works for a tech company, that is getting bought out. He's a low level employee, and he's getting fired, and he's not supposed to know yet, but he does. He has been shoving acorns into everything, now, while he still can. It is Halloween and little Acorn Woodpeckers will come and ask for acorns. He pretends he is not home.

November

Black-capped Chickadee always gets nostalgic around november and he doesn't really know why. He went out for a stroll around Point Pinole and is thinking of places and people he has left behind and is regretting. His life is better now than it has ever been, by any meaningful measurement, but still he thinks about the past sometimes, when he has that luxury. Black-capped Chickadee's melancholy reverie is brief and he will shake it off soon. There is the future to consider.

December

Burrowing Owl has taken up his yearly post at Cesar Chavez Park in Berkeley. He will live there for a few months and during this time other birds will come to him seeking prophecies and advice. Burrowing Owl has visions and a connection to the bird afterlife. His stint here is short, because other places need his gifts as well. Burrowing Owl's connection to the spirit world is taxing, but it is a burden he must bear.

And that is what an Amateurnithologist calendar would look like! I guess that's why they don't give people like me calendars to be responsible for. I will keep you updated on the results of the contest- fingers crossed for a bird picture getting in. Which pictures were your favorites? Sound off in the comments if you want.