If Birds were The Bachelor: The Birdchelor

Hi, I'm Chris Harris'shawk, welcome to the Birdchelor. On this season we'll be taking 14 lucky birds to beautiful Baja California Sur, where they will compete for the heart of our accomplished Birdchelor. Tonight we're going to be meeting and learning a little bit about our contestants, but first it's time for the bird of the hour


White-winged Dove
The Birdchelor
"Wow"
"I love that"
"You look beautiful"

Fantastic. Isn't he a catch? Well, the following birds certainly think so. Let's meet them now

Brown Pelicans
TWINS
[simultaneously] "We're double trouble, a 2-for-1 special, and a triple threat!"

 Killdeer
Medical Supply Salesbird
"I've got a bad feeling about this"

Osprey
Instagram Celebrity
"I never play games, so let the games begin"

Hooded Oriole
Silly-invention Pedler
"I'm here to find my birdsband. No, I've never thought of a more reliable way to do it than this, why do you ask?"

House Finch
Folks Wisdomologist
"Gosh, do you think someone might like me? And on television?"

European Starling
Accent-haver
"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful, hate me because of my many bad personality traits"

American Kestrel
Yoga Mat Sales Rep
"You can take the Kestrel out of America, but you can't take the America out of the Kestrel! Yee-Haw!"

California Scrub-Jay
Professional Gambler
"Hey White-winged Dove, I hope you'll... roll the dice on me" [blows on some dice, winks]

Snowy Egret
Fire Fighter
"I'm not here to make friends, but mostly because my cruelty makes it impossible for me to do so"

Pied-billed Grebe
Mom-fashion Expert, Momsultant, Momtrepeneur
"Cabo is the perfect place for me, a mom, to find love"

Costa's Hummingbird

Website something-or-other

"I sure hope no one asks me about my traumatic past"

Common Gallinule
Phony Wellness Product Endorser
"You don't have to be crazy to come on this show, but that's what's going on with me"

Northern Mockingbird
Oddly Accomplished
"Free trip to Mexico? Sure, why not! I hope the Birdchelor doesn't try and talk to me"

A terrific group of birds, I'm sure you'll agree. This season promises to be the most dramatic season of the Birdchelor ever. Stay tuned!

Semipalmated Plover

Semipalmated Plover (Chorlitejo Semipalmeado)
Cabo San Lucas, Baja California Sur, Mexico
November 2017
Member of the Lapwing and Plover Family
§A Deceit of Plovers§ (shocking)
★The Most Common Plover on Migration in Most Areas★ (ehhhh...)

{Etymology Corner} Semipalmated Plover just has one of those birds where you're sure they meant to translate the name into normal-person-speak at some point and just never got around to it (lookin at you, Pyrrhuloxia). Semipalmated, this Plover's mouthful of an adjective, means 'somewhat palm-like', and describes the bird's semi-webbed feet. Aaaaand now you know that!

~true bird fact~ Unlike most plovers, this guy can actually swim. But, like, you know, only a little bit. So don't get too excited about this bird fact.

Caries a big camera around everywhere on vacations, but never shows off his photos
When compared with other Plovers, somewhat plain. You could think of him as the default Plover
I'll just come right out and say it, not a faithful partner. Shame on you, Semipalmated Plover

Magnificent Frigatebird

Magnificent Frigatebird aka. Man O'War (archaic, totally metal) (Rabihorcado Magnífico [literal translation: Magnificent Forked-tail])
Cabo San Lucas, Baja California Sur, Mexico
November 2017
Member of the Frigatebird Family
§A Fleet of Frigatebirds§
★The Largest Frigatebird★

~true bird fact~ This bird has an interesting lifestyle- they are oceanic birds, but rarely, if ever, touch the water. They can't really swim at all, and don't float, so landing is a risky business. The fly day and night (only one other bird does this- the Common Swift) for over a hunderd miles at a time. They feed by catching fish at the surface of the water, or jumping flying fish, but are most well known as kleptoparasites, which means they pirate the meals of other seabirds, harassing them into dropping whatever they just caught. It's not pretty, but you gotta eat.

Never really pauses to consider her dire or difficult personal circumstances
Spends lonely hours on a CB radio
Has a sense that she's 'seen it all'

Gila Woodpecker

Gila Woodpecker (Carpentiro de Gila [woodpeckers are literally called Carpenters in Spansih])
Cabo San Lucas, Baja California Sur, Mexico
November 2017
Member of the Woodpecker Family
§A Gatling of Woodpeckers§
A Climate-change Threatened Species

~true bird fact~ Even though many birds use cactus-based nests, this is the guy who creates most of them (at least in Saguaro and Mesquite plants). They excavate the holes working in pairs, and have to leave them to dry for several months in order for the cavity to become solid enough to use. After the woodpecker pair has moved on, many species will go on to use it. Pay it forward?

Seems gruff, but has a big heart
Goes as a Gila Monster every year for Halloween, can't get enough of that joke
Can often work so hard or long that he misses out on bonding time with family

Cactus Wren

Cactus Wren
Cabo San Lucas, Baja California Sur, Mexico
November 2017
Member of the Wren Family
§A Chime of Wrens§
★State Bird of Arizona★

Favorite Cactus: Saguaro

~Loves to build nests in cacti, using their naturally spiky nature to defend their roosts. They build tons of them, way more than most birds. Some of these appear to be decoy nests, meant to distract predators. Others they just sleep in. Some males might use them to start secret second or third families. Shady behavior to be sure- it's not wonder they've got such a contentious relationship with Curve-billed Thrashers, who they often share the neighborhood with.

Gets into all sorts of trouble with the law
Sensitive to spicy foods, even though you'd expect her to be into them
Always spoiling for a fight