If Birds Were The Friends from the TV Show Friends

Friends! It's back in the news for it's historic reunion special, and that means it's time for one of my blogs infrequent and ill-timed stabs at relevancy. We might have all just found out what the cast of characters from the show have been up to for the last 15 years, but you know what we haven't found out? What birds they would be if the characters on the show were birds. Or.. I guess... B•I•R•D•S

And who better to tell you about it than me, a mid-level bird enthusiast and a person who never really watched the show? It's here that I would insert a midi of the friends theme song but done with bird chirps, but honestly, I can't play keyboard and my wife won't do it for me. Let's get to those Birds!

Starring Ross's Goose as... Ross

Bird Image: Andrew C, Wikipedia

RG... Ross Geller... Ross's Goose. Put the pieces together people, this blog is what the creators of friends always intended. Aside from the obvious physical similarities, I think this is another slam dunk bird comparison. Ross is a lovable goofball, much like this Goose. Smaller and nerdier than other geese, and also extremely white, Ross's is a goose that it's easy to imagine being pushed around and made fun of, like Ross is by the other friends (despite being well known as the largest friend, the comparison still stands). Also, listen to this audio clip and see if you can tell whether it's a goose or David Schwimmer's voice. Uncanny! Ross's Goose is also distinguished by his vigorous defense of the nest and the young from predators, a fitting quality for the most paternal of the Friends. And just like in Ross's life, it is not uncommon for these usually long-term bonded partners to split up. Sorry Ross (and Goose), better luck next time.

Starring Mandarin Duck as... Rachel

Bird Image: James Devaney, The Cut

For Rachel you need a really charismatic bird that people love, the kind of bird that could support a 10 season TV show. A fancy looking bird that had to get real and mature fast to make it in the big city. And, most importantly, the bird needs to have a really iconic haircut. Who else could I have gone for other than That Hot Duck? The comparison is nearly perfect. The Duck: famous for moving unexpectedly to New York, Rachel: famous for unexpectedly moving to New York. Rachel: works in Central Perk, Duck: lives in Central Park. I could go on, but really, the haircut sells the comparison by itself. A few more notes of similarity- ducks are well known for their prominent bills, like Rachel was known for her prominent nose. Both this duck and Rachel have small beaks. We also know that Rachel is famous for her complicated relationship with Ross. I would believe that this duck has a complicated relationship with Ross('s Geese). Finally, during Friends's first episode, Rachel flies the coup, leaving her husband Barry at the altar. Ducks... also fly.

Starring Great Cormorant as... Joey

Bird Image: JJ Harrison, wikipedia

Great Cormorant is such a Joey. A lovable lunkhead, this bird is a bulky, but handsome (in my opinion) looking cormorant. The physical comparisons don't end there, with the oily black feathers reminding one of Joey's slicked-back hair. In America this cormorant is unique to the Atlantic coast, in Europe they have a range that includes the Italy. Joey's background is a similar combination of distinctly New York, but also Italian. The Great Cormorant, much like Joey, is famous for his overindulgence, frequently photographed trying to swallow humorously large fish whole. Is this so different from Joey's beloved pizzas and meatball subs? Well, yes, these foods are very different, but each subject approaches them from a philosophically similar place- they want to eat as much of them as quickly as possible. A widespread and compelling bird, there are no shortages of myths and stories about great cormorants. Joey too, yearns to be a star, as most famously seen on equally-good TV show, Joey. And while both he and the cormorant he so resembles are never the smartest or most beloved, people are compelled to watch.

Starring Great Egret as... Monica

Monica is best known for her fastidiousness and beauty, not unlike a certain Egret who never has a feather out of place. I don't know, the vibe just feels right for these two 'main characters' of their respective universes. Like Monica, the Great Egret is a popular and well-liked bird, and they each have a certain put together glamour. Monica is often thought of as the lead friend, her apartment playing host to most of the show, and to each of the other characters at some point. Great Egrets tend to nest in colonies, with nests high above the other birds, which helps to keep their personal spaces clean and desirable to their own family. Do a sense a bit of Monica-esque neuroticism in the Egret? Great Egrets were once hunted nearly to extinction for their fashionable plumes, so they certainly deserve to have some hang ups, much like Monica's history with disordered eating. Best known for her role as Monica, Courtney Cox is a potent symbol of the show, much like the Great Egret is the symbol of the Audubon Society, which has often been called "The Friends of Bird Organizations", in that it is more popular and well known than it really needs to be, but no one can argue with it's success or ubiquity.

Starring Blue Jay as... Chandler

Smart, sarcastic, pragmatic- that is SO Chandler, and that is SO a member of the corvid family. Why Blue Jay exactly? Well, I wanted to emphasize some of Chandler's estrangement from his family as in the popular meme contrasting the darker/broodier famous corvids (Crows, Ravens, Magpies) with the Blue Jay. And I've been doing my best to make the Friendsbirds native to New York when possible (unless otherwise noted), so really, it's a no-brainer. You know who's not a no-brainer? The Blue Jay! Smart enough to use tools, remember individuals, mourn friends, and store food, this corvid has a lot in common with Chandler, who can also do all those things. You might recall that Chandler was a big planner, and that he had painstaking saved up his money, much like a Blue Jay preparing for winter might store food in caches. Chandler also always had a little bit of a chip on his shoulder, especially about his job- kind of like how Jays are known to be territorial and aggressive, but also social and gregarious. Gregarious- friendly- Friends- the character Chandler from the TV show Friends. It's easy to see the connections.

Starring Say's Phoebe as... Phoebe

This one's just too easy, and not just because the bird is named Phoebe (partly because of the name, yes). Like Phoebe the character, Phoebe the bird sings a tinny, tuneless song. Lovable and easily recognizable, Phoebes are seen constantly in motion, hovering and flitting about, infrequently landing for long. Phoebe's regularly make their nests underneath bridges or in abandoned mineshafts, which reminds one of Phoebe's frequently-alluded-to life on the streets  Interestingly, the Say's Phoebe has a migratory habit of ending up thousands of miles outside of their usual habitats, which is a clear analogue to the wild flights of fancy Phoebe is prone to. So, like, a couldn't be more obvious, right? The question, though, was which Phoebe was right. You might think Eastern Phoebe, since she is a New Yorker after all, but I think Phoebe really comes from the Western spirit of bohemianism and free-thinking. She is a Californian at heart, if not on the the TV show. Plus this allows for the presence of a dark twin in the Black Phoebe, which can represent her twin sister Ursula.

Well, there you have it. 6 indisputable pairings arrived at through the most rigorous scientific methods. Join us next time, where we learn which birds the characters from Seinfeld would be or something.

If Birds Were Tracks on Kanye's College Drop Out

Hi, hello, bird blog readers. This might surprise some of you, but once upon a time, and briefly, I wrote a rap blog. What can I say, I've always enjoyed writing about things that I care about. Even though the rap blog is not something I'm particularly interested in writing or showing off now, I did have fun with it. And so today, I'm mashin' up two of my long-time loves- birds and rap.

Today I'll be taking some birds I saw on a recent and fruitful hike to Mt. Burdell and asking the very normal question "What if they were songs from Kanye West's* 2004 instant classic, The College Drop Out?"

 *Aside- Kanye West is a complicated figure, especially lately. I'm not really interested in diving into the intersection between his mental health, political views, fame, ego, and all of that right here. Believe it or not that isn't a topic I want to blog about. I'll just leave it at saying that I am a fan of Kanye's music, even the newer stuff. Although I haven't been able to get myself to listen to Ye just yet.

And since that leaves no further questions about this premise or the sense that it makes, let's get to the birds!



Western Bluebird
College Drop Out Song: We Don't Care
The Western Bluebird to me is a sign that you're in for a special day of birding, just like We Don't Care delivers a clear message that you're about to hear something special. The triumphant tone and message of We Don't Care matches up well with the bluebird, who has long been a symbol of happiness, a light in dark times. There is also clearly a well-earned cynicism present in the track, and indeed this stands as a statement of purpose for the album as a whole. Much like the bluebird presents what's best about birding, this song shows off what's best about rap- it's ability to make statements. This is a strong opening bird and a strong opening track.



Wild Turkey
College Drop Out Song: Jesus Walks
This comparison goes beyond the fact that Turkeys mostly walk, rather than fly like most birds. This bird is bombastic and overstuffed in a way that reminds me of the epic tone struck by the lyrics and beat of Jesus Walks. Jesus Walks is easily the smash hit off of College Drop Out, and it's hard to find a bird that's been more successful or is bigger. Although the Wild Turkey is really magnificent when you stop and consider it, it's been somewhat ruined by ubiquity. Just as I would often choose another bird over this Turkey, there are times when I skip Jesus Walks. I've just heard it enough times. Also, Jesus Walks being a Christianity-focused song works well with the Turkey, who some have argued is a singular representative of American values.



Mourning Doves
College Drop Out Song: Get Em High
My feeling is that Kanye's greatest talent has always been in his collaboration with others and in knowing when more is better. Get Em High absolutely packs in the star power in the guest verses, featuring both Common and Talib Kweli. A bird that relies heavily on its flock, the mourning dove sleeps and migrates communally, and raises young in bonded pairs, so it certainly understands Kanye's motivation here. There is strength in numbers. The Mourning Dove is one of the most abundant birds in North America, and although Get Em High was never a single, it might have the most widespread appeal of a track on the album, since it features several well-known and well-loved lyricists. Also worth noting- a lot of our urban birds are in the pigeon/dove family, and I'd argue that Mourning Doves are second only to Rock Doves as the most city-feeling bird, which makes them a perfect match of the dark, propulsive, urban production on Get Em High.



Ash-throated Flycatcher
College Drop Out Song: All Falls Down
The Lauryn Hill sample on this track mirrors the gentle, graceful swoops of this deft Flycatcher species. Although it's not anyone's favorite bird, it has longevity and you often forget that you've seen it a million times, giving it good replay value. Much like All Falls Down, Ash-throated Flycatcher doesn't overstay his welcome and never gets old. All Falls Down is a song that is about the pressures of living in a society that values material things over all else, and this bird is certainly 'self conscious' and flighty, rarely staying in the same place for long and occasionally showing up well outside of it's usual range. Almost like it's trying to run away from something. Flycatchers are also plucky, bold birds. Much like 2004 Kanye, this bird can take on animals much larger than it and walk away the victor.



Black Phoebe
College Drop Out Song: Through the Wire
Much like Kanye West after his car accident, the Black Phoebe can't really open his mouth wide enough to eat normal food, but instead of subsisting on protein drinks, he eats mostly bugs (the bird does). But that's not where the comparisons end- the chipmunk-voice vocals on Through the Wire are surprisingly reminiscent of the high-pitched squeak of the Black Phoebe, marking this bird as a possible inspiration or co-creator. Aside from this, Through the Wire highlights another trademark of Kanye's early music, a contrast between serious content and light production elements. The track is effervescent and energetic, over Kanye talking about one of the most traumatic experiences of his life. This pitch-black bird flits and bobs engagingly from branch to branch in a way that is inarguably reminiscent. This bird also frequently alights on wires, as if those other similarities weren't enough!

Well, that's our Last Call for today. What did you think? Would you have chosen different songs off of College Drop Out for these birds? Which bird would be Never Let Me Down (one of my favorite tracks off the album)? What album would you like to see me bird-itize next? Sound off in the comments or send me and e-mail or something, I guess.