The Definitive Bird Name Tier List

 Greetings bird fans. You know, something I've learned over the years of doing this blog is that all birds are great, but not all bird names are equally great. We've done a little bit of grousing about this in the past, but today I'm going to really dive into this topic and do my best to determine what it takes to name a bird really really well. 

Ready? Let's get to the ranking, which is sure not to upset anyone

F minus Tier: Birds named for people (problematic)

Nuttall's Woodpecker

Hoo boy, do I even have to say it? #BirdNamesForBirds of course, obviously. Yes. There's nothing that sours a birding experience quicker than remembering that the person who assigned his name to this bird was a real piece of work. If you can google your bird name + problematic and come up with results? You've goofed on the bird naming. What do we mean by awful people? Usually, because of the time period in which we got most of our commonly used bird names, we're talking about the colonialists, racists, and general genocide-enjoyers of the Age of Manifest Destiny.

Best Examples: Bachman's Sparrow, named for slavery-defender John Bachman

Audubon's Oriole, named after famous bird painter, slave owner, and white supremacist, John James Audubon. 

McCown's Longspur, which was named after a confederate general and staunch slavery advocate. Oops! This one was so bad that the American Ornithological Society actually did something for once, and now it's called the Thick-billed Longspur, which is probably like a C-Tier Name (so, much better).

Birds of this category that have appeared on this blog: Townsend's Warbler (Grave robber! Phrenologist! read more here) Steller's Jay (the Steller tea, admittedly somewhat milder)

F Tier: Birds named for people (non-problematic)

Rivoli's Hummingbird

Although some don't, I do make a minor distinction here. In my very cursory research there are some birds named after legitimately cool conservationist types and early birdwatching enthusiasts. That is, to me, less bad. However, what is the compelling case to mess around with eponyms in the first place? The idea of someone 'naming' a bird after themselves or someone else, when it almost certainly has a name from the native people of the area, is pure colonialism. Honestly, if you go back and read my blog entries for some of the eponymous birds above, you won't find a lot of these details, because a lot of the time those details are absent from their wikipedia summaries. I guess what I'm saying is that all of these old people are going to get cancelled for something eventually. Let's just get ahead of it now. Also, these names have zero flare. (PS, sign the bird names for birds petition, and read more about the villains of history who somehow get birds named after them.)

The Argument for: In this case, I kind of get the idea. If someone was important to naturalism or conservation, you might want to name a bird in their honor. For the bird watcher or enjoyer these names are basically useless, but they do give you a little sense of curiosity and mystery, and sometimes make you want to look up old historic figures who you may not know much about. Sometimes you might even find out those historic figures were slave owners. If you really want to do this, save it for the Latin name.

Examples: Wilson's Warbler, Allen's Hummingbird

D Tier: Birds named for a feature or location (inaccurate)

Ring-necked Duck

The Palm Warbler, who does not live in Palm Trees, and the Inca Dove, who does not live anywhere within the former lands of the Incan Empire are prime examples of this. A milder version would be The Connecticut Warbler, which has a range that includes Connecticut, but also the entire East Coast, and Mid-West, and parts of Central Canada. Even worse are the birds with inaccurate field markings. The Ring-necked Duck, with it's invisible cinnamon ring springs to mind, as does the Red-bellied Woodpecker, which has a belly that is only visibly red when the bird is "dead, in your hand", as one naturalist was quoted as saying.

The Argument for: There is no good reason to name a bird like this. Maybe it's kind of fun to have a very confusing and unintuitive name once in a while. Makes birding an exclusive club where we get to roll our eyes at newcomers who ask "Wait, why is that called a Ring-necked Duck?" That doesn't sound like a very compelling case in favor to me. Like the eponyms, you also get a little homework assignment where you feel compelled to investigate why these birds have such bad names. Show me a birder who doesn't like homework.

C Tier: Comparative Bird names

Lesser Scaup

Greater this, lesser that, common whatever. These names are boring and not usually particularly helpful. Pass, throw them all away. I will say that there are some descriptor or modifier names that I kind of like, like Elegant Trogon or Magnificent Frigatebird. These are more like superlatives, but they do introduce kind of a wrinkle, since I think they fit best into this category. That's why it's time for me to introduce the "Poetic Modifier".  Any category from here on out gets a full bump in tier by taking a bird name from mundane to poetic. I.e. Magnificent Frigatebird is more like a B name, whereas Common Loon is a C name.

The Argument for: I guess if you live in a place where two birds look very similar, but one is larger, and one is smaller, you have a little bit of a useful name on your hands. I'm looking at you, Yellowlegs. The useless but flattering names are kind of fun. Maybe you just loved the bird so much when you saw it you needed to let everyone know it was extremely elegant. I can accept that.

B Tier: Birds named for a location (accurate)

Western Bluebird

This is the most boring name that a bird can have while still retaining some level of utility for the bird watcher. You run into the problem the problem fairly quickly that birds are generally pretty famous for moving around a lot, so it's hard to lock it down with just one place name. So you end up with a lot of birds being named for whole countries they are in, which doesn't really narrow it down. The habitats are better, and I especially like the Wren series- Marsh, Rock, Cactus, etc. I will admit that some location based named are cooler than others. My own personal scale puts Prairie Warbler and Gila Woodpecker well above American Wigeon and Island Scrub Jay, but your mileage may vary.

A Tier: Birds named for how they look/their physical features

Painted Bunting

I think this is your clear go-to, right? The number one way you would intuitively name most birds if you were asked to do so. Mostly this is not flashy, but it's certainly memorable and helpful. Great Blue Heron, got it. Roseate Spoonbill. Ok! I know what that's going to look like! The low end of this is probably, like, Black Phoebe, but you can get very very creative. Some of my personal favorites are Razorbill, Rhinocerous Auklet, Canvasback, and Vermillion Cardinal (yes, they are named after the Catholic clergy)

A+ Tier: Onomatopoeic Names/Birds named for how they sound

Laughing Gull

You get into trouble with the physical names eventually because there are, let's face it, a lot of birds that are at least a little bit boring looking. You can only have so many Little Brown Sparrows before you start running out of ways to describe the streaks. When you get there, you have some options, and a really fun one is the audio description. This ranges from Catbird (one of the best, sounds like a cat!) to Mourning Dove to Black-bellied Whistling Duck. All terrific names. If you want to take it up another notch further, you can dig into the Onomatopoeia. Bobwhite, Curlew, Chachalaca, Chickadee, Killdeer, and Whip-poor-will are all named for the sounds they make. You can see why every bird can't be named like this, but it's a great option when you have a distinctive call and a not-that-distinctive looking bird. Perhaps my favorite is the Nene. In my view, a bird named in the language of a place's native people also deserves to go up a tier.

S Tier: Birds named for how they behave

                                                                       Burrowing Owl

This is, to me, the absolute zenith of bird name quality. Don't tell me how the bird appears, tell me who the bird IS. What do they DO? What do you imagine their personality is LIKE? The more abstract and loaded with imagery the better. Hermit Thrush? Yes please. Happy Wren? Don't mind if I do. This also applies to birds that have descriptions of their behavior- many family or subfamily names are laid out like this, Creeper, Roadrunner, Skimmer, Flycatcher, Hummingbird, etc. Names like this are fairly rare, but they are always so great. It is also, in my opinion, the area that has the most room for expansion, perfect for renaming some of those eponymous birds. We don't need a Brandt's Cormorant, but an Ambitious Cormorant? Now I'm interested. Just a simple proposal, and I'd be happy to make up personality traits for as many birds as you like, if you're looking for an expert in the field of making stuff up about birds.

Post Script: Birds whose names I have no opinions on: Booby, Dickcissel, Bushtit, etc. These are often listed among the worst bird names, but I think it's ok that some things are funny. None of the birds are actually named after dirty words, except for the Windf*cker. They really meant it with that guy. Anyway, sometimes the etymology is pretty interesting for these birds. Leave them alone!

Chilean Flamingo

Chilean Flamingo (Fernando)

Coyote Hills Regional Park, Fremont, California, USA
April 2021
Member of the Flamingo Family
§A Flamboyance of Flamingos§

~True Bird Fact~ If you've never heard of flamingos before, here are some quick and fun flamingo facts: Fact 1: Flamingos have the greatest leg to body ratio of any bird. Fact 2: Flamingos get their distinctive pink coloration from their diet of algae and brine shrimp, which both have a lot of this reddish-pinkish pigment, beta carotene. Fact 3: Flamingo tongues were considered a delicacy in ancient Egypt.

But really, I should probably use this space to talk about why there is a Chilean Flamingo in the Bay Area, right? Let's get some things out of the way- he's the only one of his kind ANYWHERE near here. His usual range is mostly in Chile ('natch), which is 6000 miles away. He probably didn't just get lost. He's also probably not from a zoo, since he isn't banded. His name is Fernando and he just kind of hangs out. 

Birders speculate that he might be from a private collection, but my favorite theory is that it's actually an escapee from Marine World, an amusement park that used to be in the area. Apparently the animals were transported by boat from the Hayward area up to their new home in Vallejo, providing him his opportunity to break free. There have been reports of sightings going all the way back to the 70's, which work with this timeline. Either way, he is clearly not a 'wild bird', so he sadly 'doesn't count' for birders. Really though, I think there should be more excitement for this. On the Wikipedia page for Chilean Flamingos there's a whole section about one who escaped and became a local celebrity in Great Salt Lake area. Step up Bay Area, there's a Flamingo here. We don't know how long we'll have him, and we're unlikely to see his kind here ever again. So show some respect!

If Birds Were The Friends from the TV Show Friends

Friends! It's back in the news for it's historic reunion special, and that means it's time for one of my blogs infrequent and ill-timed stabs at relevancy. We might have all just found out what the cast of characters from the show have been up to for the last 15 years, but you know what we haven't found out? What birds they would be if the characters on the show were birds. Or.. I guess... B•I•R•D•S

And who better to tell you about it than me, a mid-level bird enthusiast and a person who never really watched the show? It's here that I would insert a midi of the friends theme song but done with bird chirps, but honestly, I can't play keyboard and my wife won't do it for me. Let's get to those Birds!

Starring Ross's Goose as... Ross

Bird Image: Andrew C, Wikipedia

RG... Ross Geller... Ross's Goose. Put the pieces together people, this blog is what the creators of friends always intended. Aside from the obvious physical similarities, I think this is another slam dunk bird comparison. Ross is a lovable goofball, much like this Goose. Smaller and nerdier than other geese, and also extremely white, Ross's is a goose that it's easy to imagine being pushed around and made fun of, like Ross is by the other friends (despite being well known as the largest friend, the comparison still stands). Also, listen to this audio clip and see if you can tell whether it's a goose or David Schwimmer's voice. Uncanny! Ross's Goose is also distinguished by his vigorous defense of the nest and the young from predators, a fitting quality for the most paternal of the Friends. And just like in Ross's life, it is not uncommon for these usually long-term bonded partners to split up. Sorry Ross (and Goose), better luck next time.

Starring Mandarin Duck as... Rachel

Bird Image: James Devaney, The Cut

For Rachel you need a really charismatic bird that people love, the kind of bird that could support a 10 season TV show. A fancy looking bird that had to get real and mature fast to make it in the big city. And, most importantly, the bird needs to have a really iconic haircut. Who else could I have gone for other than That Hot Duck? The comparison is nearly perfect. The Duck: famous for moving unexpectedly to New York, Rachel: famous for unexpectedly moving to New York. Rachel: works in Central Perk, Duck: lives in Central Park. I could go on, but really, the haircut sells the comparison by itself. A few more notes of similarity- ducks are well known for their prominent bills, like Rachel was known for her prominent nose. Both this duck and Rachel have small beaks. We also know that Rachel is famous for her complicated relationship with Ross. I would believe that this duck has a complicated relationship with Ross('s Geese). Finally, during Friends's first episode, Rachel flies the coup, leaving her husband Barry at the altar. Ducks... also fly.

Starring Great Cormorant as... Joey

Bird Image: JJ Harrison, wikipedia

Great Cormorant is such a Joey. A lovable lunkhead, this bird is a bulky, but handsome (in my opinion) looking cormorant. The physical comparisons don't end there, with the oily black feathers reminding one of Joey's slicked-back hair. In America this cormorant is unique to the Atlantic coast, in Europe they have a range that includes the Italy. Joey's background is a similar combination of distinctly New York, but also Italian. The Great Cormorant, much like Joey, is famous for his overindulgence, frequently photographed trying to swallow humorously large fish whole. Is this so different from Joey's beloved pizzas and meatball subs? Well, yes, these foods are very different, but each subject approaches them from a philosophically similar place- they want to eat as much of them as quickly as possible. A widespread and compelling bird, there are no shortages of myths and stories about great cormorants. Joey too, yearns to be a star, as most famously seen on equally-good TV show, Joey. And while both he and the cormorant he so resembles are never the smartest or most beloved, people are compelled to watch.

Starring Great Egret as... Monica

Monica is best known for her fastidiousness and beauty, not unlike a certain Egret who never has a feather out of place. I don't know, the vibe just feels right for these two 'main characters' of their respective universes. Like Monica, the Great Egret is a popular and well-liked bird, and they each have a certain put together glamour. Monica is often thought of as the lead friend, her apartment playing host to most of the show, and to each of the other characters at some point. Great Egrets tend to nest in colonies, with nests high above the other birds, which helps to keep their personal spaces clean and desirable to their own family. Do a sense a bit of Monica-esque neuroticism in the Egret? Great Egrets were once hunted nearly to extinction for their fashionable plumes, so they certainly deserve to have some hang ups, much like Monica's history with disordered eating. Best known for her role as Monica, Courtney Cox is a potent symbol of the show, much like the Great Egret is the symbol of the Audubon Society, which has often been called "The Friends of Bird Organizations", in that it is more popular and well known than it really needs to be, but no one can argue with it's success or ubiquity.

Starring Blue Jay as... Chandler

Smart, sarcastic, pragmatic- that is SO Chandler, and that is SO a member of the corvid family. Why Blue Jay exactly? Well, I wanted to emphasize some of Chandler's estrangement from his family as in the popular meme contrasting the darker/broodier famous corvids (Crows, Ravens, Magpies) with the Blue Jay. And I've been doing my best to make the Friendsbirds native to New York when possible (unless otherwise noted), so really, it's a no-brainer. You know who's not a no-brainer? The Blue Jay! Smart enough to use tools, remember individuals, mourn friends, and store food, this corvid has a lot in common with Chandler, who can also do all those things. You might recall that Chandler was a big planner, and that he had painstaking saved up his money, much like a Blue Jay preparing for winter might store food in caches. Chandler also always had a little bit of a chip on his shoulder, especially about his job- kind of like how Jays are known to be territorial and aggressive, but also social and gregarious. Gregarious- friendly- Friends- the character Chandler from the TV show Friends. It's easy to see the connections.

Starring Say's Phoebe as... Phoebe

This one's just too easy, and not just because the bird is named Phoebe (partly because of the name, yes). Like Phoebe the character, Phoebe the bird sings a tinny, tuneless song. Lovable and easily recognizable, Phoebes are seen constantly in motion, hovering and flitting about, infrequently landing for long. Phoebe's regularly make their nests underneath bridges or in abandoned mineshafts, which reminds one of Phoebe's frequently-alluded-to life on the streets  Interestingly, the Say's Phoebe has a migratory habit of ending up thousands of miles outside of their usual habitats, which is a clear analogue to the wild flights of fancy Phoebe is prone to. So, like, a couldn't be more obvious, right? The question, though, was which Phoebe was right. You might think Eastern Phoebe, since she is a New Yorker after all, but I think Phoebe really comes from the Western spirit of bohemianism and free-thinking. She is a Californian at heart, if not on the the TV show. Plus this allows for the presence of a dark twin in the Black Phoebe, which can represent her twin sister Ursula.

Well, there you have it. 6 indisputable pairings arrived at through the most rigorous scientific methods. Join us next time, where we learn which birds the characters from Seinfeld would be or something.

Cackling Goose

 

Cackling Goose
Miller/Knox Regional Shoreline, Richmond, California, USA
November 2020
Member of the Ducks, Geese, and Swans Family
§A Plump of Geese§

~True Bird Fact~ So, where to begin? Probably, we should address that most people with cursory bird knowledge would look at this bird and say "that's a Canada Goose". Yes, this bird is nearly indistinguishable from that familiar and frequently villainized waterfowl. Now this is nothing new for bird identification- I could rattle off a dozen pairs of birds that are nearly indistinguishable from one another to the untrained eye. However, in this case, it is only since relatively recently that this bird has been considered to be a different species from the Canada Goose. The primary difference is really just the size. Check out the picture below, which has a Canada Goose or two in it as well. The largest sub-species of Canada Goose is 4 times as large as the smallest sub-species of Cackling Goose. Incredible as this may seem, up until 2004 this bird was just considered to be "a small Canada Goose" basically. 

After the split was made, one ornithologist, Harold C. Hanson (can't quite explain it, but this is the most Ornithologist name you can have) suggested that the Canada Goose be further divided into 6 species and 200 sub-species. It's hard to tell to me, as an amateur, if this proposition was sincere or more of a "fuck it, they're all different species now" from Harold. In terms of the other ways to distinguish whether you have a Canada Goose or a Cackling Goose, if you were inclined to try to do so, there's something about the neck ring being thinner, but that's not even always visible. When you google search for Cackling Goose, the second result is an article about how to tell them apart from Canada Geese, which should tell you something about the processes. I suggest just finding them in a mixed flock, like I've done.

"Don't Talk to Me or My Son Ever Again"

And finally, it's time to return to probably my actual favorite segment we do here on the blog- Bird Reviews from BackyardChickens.com!

These reviews were pulled from a forum thread rather than an official review page, because these are a non-domesticated species of bird.

"there are very few of us that own these geese"

"I have Cackleing geese .... LOVE THEM!!!" ... "They free range every day and get along with everything." ... "they are not bonded to me, but are not terribly wild either."

"She does not know she's a goose. She thinks she's a dog. She has stayed around here, even though she can fly, likes her kiddie pool, doesn't like to share with other geese, but if you bark at her she comes running and honking."

"Cackling geese are better and smaller and easier to take care don't get them pinned" [as compared to Canada Geese]