Donald Trump Reviews Birds From My Trip to the North East

Ed. note: Your usual amateurnithologist is super busy these days with his very hard job, as you know from his endless grousing. Lest the blog fall into disrepair for another week, we've secured the services of controversial presidential candidate Donald Trump. In exchange we promised to put in a good word for him with the eagles, who he fears desperately. This is a "big get" guys, so don't go posting any political stuff in the comments, he's very sensitive.

Common Grackle
Staten Island, New York, New York, USA
July 2015

Donald Trump's Remarks
I don't like the Grackles, and I think it's very rude that you've asked me to start with a question about a grackle. Unprofessional! Everyone knows, and lots of people are saying, grackles are coming into the country, ok? And they're bringing disease, they're bringing crime, and some of them are probably good birds. I'm going to build a wall, and the grackles are going to pay for it. No one builds walls to keep birds out better than me, and you know it!

Pied-billed Grebe
Central Park, Manhattan, New York, New York, USA
July 2015

Donald Trump's Remarks
Grebes: Irrelevant birds, no one cares that they exist! Total hack, loser birds! A disgusting bird, what good is a bird if it's not beautiful? Semi-domesticated? I like birds who weren't captured, ok. What a joke! I have long, beautiful fingers.

House Sparrow
Fore River Sanctuary, Portland, Maine, USA
July 2015

Donald Trump's Remarks
Look, a sparrow is a beautiful bird, and it flirts with me, ok? I get it. I get it. But it's just not a 10 anymore. Boring Sparrow is jealous of flashier birds! Acts very needy, but just trying to manipulate me. Sad!

Mallard
Fore River Sanctuary, Portland, Maine, USA
July 2015

Donald Trump's Remarks
Oh, look at my duck. Are you the greatest? Ducks love me. I'm eating a big bowl of swamp grass at trump tower right now. Water vegetables, very healthy. I have a great respect for ducks, and you know ducks like me. I've always had a great relationship with the ducks. (ed. note: Ducks support Donald Trump at approximately 5 percent).

House Finch
Maine Wildlife Park, Gray, Maine, USA
July 2015

Donald Trump's Remarks
Donald J. Trump is calling for a complete and total shutdown of finches entering the United States until our country's representatives can figure out what the hell is going on. I'm not saying they shouldn't come here at all, but there should be a loyalty test is what I'm saying. They need to have all the right documents, show the bird certificates. It's common sense!

Greylag Goose
Peaks Island, Portland, Maine, USA
July 2015

Donald Trump's Remarks
This is a big, beautiful, classy goose. If she weren't a bird, perhaps I'd be dating her. A smart bird, and I would know. My IQ is one of the highest. Goose should be number one bird. Birding is rigged! Ok? Ok, now somebody get these birds out of here. I wasn't joking, I hate birds, get them out of here.