If Birds Were The Friends from the TV Show Friends

Friends! It's back in the news for it's historic reunion special, and that means it's time for one of my blogs infrequent and ill-timed stabs at relevancy. We might have all just found out what the cast of characters from the show have been up to for the last 15 years, but you know what we haven't found out? What birds they would be if the characters on the show were birds. Or.. I guess... B•I•R•D•S

And who better to tell you about it than me, a mid-level bird enthusiast and a person who never really watched the show? It's here that I would insert a midi of the friends theme song but done with bird chirps, but honestly, I can't play keyboard and my wife won't do it for me. Let's get to those Birds!

Starring Ross's Goose as... Ross

Bird Image: Andrew C, Wikipedia

RG... Ross Geller... Ross's Goose. Put the pieces together people, this blog is what the creators of friends always intended. Aside from the obvious physical similarities, I think this is another slam dunk bird comparison. Ross is a lovable goofball, much like this Goose. Smaller and nerdier than other geese, and also extremely white, Ross's is a goose that it's easy to imagine being pushed around and made fun of, like Ross is by the other friends (despite being well known as the largest friend, the comparison still stands). Also, listen to this audio clip and see if you can tell whether it's a goose or David Schwimmer's voice. Uncanny! Ross's Goose is also distinguished by his vigorous defense of the nest and the young from predators, a fitting quality for the most paternal of the Friends. And just like in Ross's life, it is not uncommon for these usually long-term bonded partners to split up. Sorry Ross (and Goose), better luck next time.

Starring Mandarin Duck as... Rachel

Bird Image: James Devaney, The Cut

For Rachel you need a really charismatic bird that people love, the kind of bird that could support a 10 season TV show. A fancy looking bird that had to get real and mature fast to make it in the big city. And, most importantly, the bird needs to have a really iconic haircut. Who else could I have gone for other than That Hot Duck? The comparison is nearly perfect. The Duck: famous for moving unexpectedly to New York, Rachel: famous for unexpectedly moving to New York. Rachel: works in Central Perk, Duck: lives in Central Park. I could go on, but really, the haircut sells the comparison by itself. A few more notes of similarity- ducks are well known for their prominent bills, like Rachel was known for her prominent nose. Both this duck and Rachel have small beaks. We also know that Rachel is famous for her complicated relationship with Ross. I would believe that this duck has a complicated relationship with Ross('s Geese). Finally, during Friends's first episode, Rachel flies the coup, leaving her husband Barry at the altar. Ducks... also fly.

Starring Great Cormorant as... Joey

Bird Image: JJ Harrison, wikipedia

Great Cormorant is such a Joey. A lovable lunkhead, this bird is a bulky, but handsome (in my opinion) looking cormorant. The physical comparisons don't end there, with the oily black feathers reminding one of Joey's slicked-back hair. In America this cormorant is unique to the Atlantic coast, in Europe they have a range that includes the Italy. Joey's background is a similar combination of distinctly New York, but also Italian. The Great Cormorant, much like Joey, is famous for his overindulgence, frequently photographed trying to swallow humorously large fish whole. Is this so different from Joey's beloved pizzas and meatball subs? Well, yes, these foods are very different, but each subject approaches them from a philosophically similar place- they want to eat as much of them as quickly as possible. A widespread and compelling bird, there are no shortages of myths and stories about great cormorants. Joey too, yearns to be a star, as most famously seen on equally-good TV show, Joey. And while both he and the cormorant he so resembles are never the smartest or most beloved, people are compelled to watch.

Starring Great Egret as... Monica

Monica is best known for her fastidiousness and beauty, not unlike a certain Egret who never has a feather out of place. I don't know, the vibe just feels right for these two 'main characters' of their respective universes. Like Monica, the Great Egret is a popular and well-liked bird, and they each have a certain put together glamour. Monica is often thought of as the lead friend, her apartment playing host to most of the show, and to each of the other characters at some point. Great Egrets tend to nest in colonies, with nests high above the other birds, which helps to keep their personal spaces clean and desirable to their own family. Do a sense a bit of Monica-esque neuroticism in the Egret? Great Egrets were once hunted nearly to extinction for their fashionable plumes, so they certainly deserve to have some hang ups, much like Monica's history with disordered eating. Best known for her role as Monica, Courtney Cox is a potent symbol of the show, much like the Great Egret is the symbol of the Audubon Society, which has often been called "The Friends of Bird Organizations", in that it is more popular and well known than it really needs to be, but no one can argue with it's success or ubiquity.

Starring Blue Jay as... Chandler

Smart, sarcastic, pragmatic- that is SO Chandler, and that is SO a member of the corvid family. Why Blue Jay exactly? Well, I wanted to emphasize some of Chandler's estrangement from his family as in the popular meme contrasting the darker/broodier famous corvids (Crows, Ravens, Magpies) with the Blue Jay. And I've been doing my best to make the Friendsbirds native to New York when possible (unless otherwise noted), so really, it's a no-brainer. You know who's not a no-brainer? The Blue Jay! Smart enough to use tools, remember individuals, mourn friends, and store food, this corvid has a lot in common with Chandler, who can also do all those things. You might recall that Chandler was a big planner, and that he had painstaking saved up his money, much like a Blue Jay preparing for winter might store food in caches. Chandler also always had a little bit of a chip on his shoulder, especially about his job- kind of like how Jays are known to be territorial and aggressive, but also social and gregarious. Gregarious- friendly- Friends- the character Chandler from the TV show Friends. It's easy to see the connections.

Starring Say's Phoebe as... Phoebe

This one's just too easy, and not just because the bird is named Phoebe (partly because of the name, yes). Like Phoebe the character, Phoebe the bird sings a tinny, tuneless song. Lovable and easily recognizable, Phoebes are seen constantly in motion, hovering and flitting about, infrequently landing for long. Phoebe's regularly make their nests underneath bridges or in abandoned mineshafts, which reminds one of Phoebe's frequently-alluded-to life on the streets  Interestingly, the Say's Phoebe has a migratory habit of ending up thousands of miles outside of their usual habitats, which is a clear analogue to the wild flights of fancy Phoebe is prone to. So, like, a couldn't be more obvious, right? The question, though, was which Phoebe was right. You might think Eastern Phoebe, since she is a New Yorker after all, but I think Phoebe really comes from the Western spirit of bohemianism and free-thinking. She is a Californian at heart, if not on the the TV show. Plus this allows for the presence of a dark twin in the Black Phoebe, which can represent her twin sister Ursula.

Well, there you have it. 6 indisputable pairings arrived at through the most rigorous scientific methods. Join us next time, where we learn which birds the characters from Seinfeld would be or something.