The Definitive Bird Name Tier List

 Greetings bird fans. You know, something I've learned over the years of doing this blog is that all birds are great, but not all bird names are equally great. We've done a little bit of grousing about this in the past, but today I'm going to really dive into this topic and do my best to determine what it takes to name a bird really really well. 

Ready? Let's get to the ranking, which is sure not to upset anyone

F minus Tier: Birds named for people (problematic)

Nuttall's Woodpecker

Hoo boy, do I even have to say it? #BirdNamesForBirds of course, obviously. Yes. There's nothing that sours a birding experience quicker than remembering that the person who assigned his name to this bird was a real piece of work. If you can google your bird name + problematic and come up with results? You've goofed on the bird naming. What do we mean by awful people? Usually, because of the time period in which we got most of our commonly used bird names, we're talking about the colonialists, racists, and general genocide-enjoyers of the Age of Manifest Destiny.

Best Examples: Bachman's Sparrow, named for slavery-defender John Bachman

Audubon's Oriole, named after famous bird painter, slave owner, and white supremacist, John James Audubon. 

McCown's Longspur, which was named after a confederate general and staunch slavery advocate. Oops! This one was so bad that the American Ornithological Society actually did something for once, and now it's called the Thick-billed Longspur, which is probably like a C-Tier Name (so, much better).

Birds of this category that have appeared on this blog: Townsend's Warbler (Grave robber! Phrenologist! read more here) Steller's Jay (the Steller tea, admittedly somewhat milder)

F Tier: Birds named for people (non-problematic)

Rivoli's Hummingbird

Although some don't, I do make a minor distinction here. In my very cursory research there are some birds named after legitimately cool conservationist types and early birdwatching enthusiasts. That is, to me, less bad. However, what is the compelling case to mess around with eponyms in the first place? The idea of someone 'naming' a bird after themselves or someone else, when it almost certainly has a name from the native people of the area, is pure colonialism. Honestly, if you go back and read my blog entries for some of the eponymous birds above, you won't find a lot of these details, because a lot of the time those details are absent from their wikipedia summaries. I guess what I'm saying is that all of these old people are going to get cancelled for something eventually. Let's just get ahead of it now. Also, these names have zero flare. (PS, sign the bird names for birds petition, and read more about the villains of history who somehow get birds named after them.)

The Argument for: In this case, I kind of get the idea. If someone was important to naturalism or conservation, you might want to name a bird in their honor. For the bird watcher or enjoyer these names are basically useless, but they do give you a little sense of curiosity and mystery, and sometimes make you want to look up old historic figures who you may not know much about. Sometimes you might even find out those historic figures were slave owners. If you really want to do this, save it for the Latin name.

Examples: Wilson's Warbler, Allen's Hummingbird

D Tier: Birds named for a feature or location (inaccurate)

Ring-necked Duck

The Palm Warbler, who does not live in Palm Trees, and the Inca Dove, who does not live anywhere within the former lands of the Incan Empire are prime examples of this. A milder version would be The Connecticut Warbler, which has a range that includes Connecticut, but also the entire East Coast, and Mid-West, and parts of Central Canada. Even worse are the birds with inaccurate field markings. The Ring-necked Duck, with it's invisible cinnamon ring springs to mind, as does the Red-bellied Woodpecker, which has a belly that is only visibly red when the bird is "dead, in your hand", as one naturalist was quoted as saying.

The Argument for: There is no good reason to name a bird like this. Maybe it's kind of fun to have a very confusing and unintuitive name once in a while. Makes birding an exclusive club where we get to roll our eyes at newcomers who ask "Wait, why is that called a Ring-necked Duck?" That doesn't sound like a very compelling case in favor to me. Like the eponyms, you also get a little homework assignment where you feel compelled to investigate why these birds have such bad names. Show me a birder who doesn't like homework.

C Tier: Comparative Bird names

Lesser Scaup

Greater this, lesser that, common whatever. These names are boring and not usually particularly helpful. Pass, throw them all away. I will say that there are some descriptor or modifier names that I kind of like, like Elegant Trogon or Magnificent Frigatebird. These are more like superlatives, but they do introduce kind of a wrinkle, since I think they fit best into this category. That's why it's time for me to introduce the "Poetic Modifier".  Any category from here on out gets a full bump in tier by taking a bird name from mundane to poetic. I.e. Magnificent Frigatebird is more like a B name, whereas Common Loon is a C name.

The Argument for: I guess if you live in a place where two birds look very similar, but one is larger, and one is smaller, you have a little bit of a useful name on your hands. I'm looking at you, Yellowlegs. The useless but flattering names are kind of fun. Maybe you just loved the bird so much when you saw it you needed to let everyone know it was extremely elegant. I can accept that.

B Tier: Birds named for a location (accurate)

Western Bluebird

This is the most boring name that a bird can have while still retaining some level of utility for the bird watcher. You run into the problem the problem fairly quickly that birds are generally pretty famous for moving around a lot, so it's hard to lock it down with just one place name. So you end up with a lot of birds being named for whole countries they are in, which doesn't really narrow it down. The habitats are better, and I especially like the Wren series- Marsh, Rock, Cactus, etc. I will admit that some location based named are cooler than others. My own personal scale puts Prairie Warbler and Gila Woodpecker well above American Wigeon and Island Scrub Jay, but your mileage may vary.

A Tier: Birds named for how they look/their physical features

Painted Bunting

I think this is your clear go-to, right? The number one way you would intuitively name most birds if you were asked to do so. Mostly this is not flashy, but it's certainly memorable and helpful. Great Blue Heron, got it. Roseate Spoonbill. Ok! I know what that's going to look like! The low end of this is probably, like, Black Phoebe, but you can get very very creative. Some of my personal favorites are Razorbill, Rhinocerous Auklet, Canvasback, and Vermillion Cardinal (yes, they are named after the Catholic clergy)

A+ Tier: Onomatopoeic Names/Birds named for how they sound

Laughing Gull

You get into trouble with the physical names eventually because there are, let's face it, a lot of birds that are at least a little bit boring looking. You can only have so many Little Brown Sparrows before you start running out of ways to describe the streaks. When you get there, you have some options, and a really fun one is the audio description. This ranges from Catbird (one of the best, sounds like a cat!) to Mourning Dove to Black-bellied Whistling Duck. All terrific names. If you want to take it up another notch further, you can dig into the Onomatopoeia. Bobwhite, Curlew, Chachalaca, Chickadee, Killdeer, and Whip-poor-will are all named for the sounds they make. You can see why every bird can't be named like this, but it's a great option when you have a distinctive call and a not-that-distinctive looking bird. Perhaps my favorite is the Nene. In my view, a bird named in the language of a place's native people also deserves to go up a tier.

S Tier: Birds named for how they behave

                                                                       Burrowing Owl

This is, to me, the absolute zenith of bird name quality. Don't tell me how the bird appears, tell me who the bird IS. What do they DO? What do you imagine their personality is LIKE? The more abstract and loaded with imagery the better. Hermit Thrush? Yes please. Happy Wren? Don't mind if I do. This also applies to birds that have descriptions of their behavior- many family or subfamily names are laid out like this, Creeper, Roadrunner, Skimmer, Flycatcher, Hummingbird, etc. Names like this are fairly rare, but they are always so great. It is also, in my opinion, the area that has the most room for expansion, perfect for renaming some of those eponymous birds. We don't need a Brandt's Cormorant, but an Ambitious Cormorant? Now I'm interested. Just a simple proposal, and I'd be happy to make up personality traits for as many birds as you like, if you're looking for an expert in the field of making stuff up about birds.

Post Script: Birds whose names I have no opinions on: Booby, Dickcissel, Bushtit, etc. These are often listed among the worst bird names, but I think it's ok that some things are funny. None of the birds are actually named after dirty words, except for the Windf*cker. They really meant it with that guy. Anyway, sometimes the etymology is pretty interesting for these birds. Leave them alone!